Ranting About Life

[Forgive me if you cant follow this rant] It's amazing how despite how old you are you are constantly finding more things out about yourself that otherwise have seemed mysterious. For those of you that have truly known me (i.e. most people outside of the firehouse) you know that I've been constantly struggling with my own self-identity and what I want out of life or where I want to be. I think the 'where' (for now) is irrelevant compared to the 'want' I'm experiencing. It took 22 years of living here in Virginia for me to figure out that I wanted to be away from everything and everyone I knew. When I set off down I-90 into the great unknown, I felt free and clear for the first time since a period of innocence we can only find in early childhood. I didn't know anyone. I didn't know what was going to happen. Hell, I barely knew where I was going. But I had clarity and I was ready for what ever was to happen. Living in Boise was weird...very very weird. Between the people in my life and living in DC in general, I developed a very (un)healthy distrust in people...especially those that managed to get close to me. I don't know why. For some reason I feel I can't even trust my own family. Without going into a long story, someone got too close to me while out west and it went against everything I had been feeling up until that point.

Months went by after Boise where I struggled to figure out what was wrong with me and why I was running away from the very thing most human beings seek throughout there life. I think when I started dating Betty, I felt safe because we never really got terribly close. She knows secrets about me that no one else knows. We were a pair. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. But she never pressured to get too close. I dunno. Despite how much I enjoyed it, our relationship is hard to explain. Coming back home from Antarctica is where I found out how much I'm constantly trying to get away from people I know either before they get too close to me or when I realize that they're too close to me. I've been feeling ashamed about the fact that I don't even want to be around my own mother who knows me more than anyone. When I come home from traveling and working, I look for friends old and new to hang out with. Some of them actually follow through with the plans they make and I love hanging out with them and being around them. Yet when its all said and done, I look forward to the car ride home when I can be alone. When I climb, when I'm hiking, when I'm traveling or reading about the travelers, explorers, and adventurers that drive me to keep moving, I feel real, I feel alone...just with my thoughts and emotions, I feel happy and free. When I gaze across a valley from a mountain peak or when I look across a meadow from a tree line, when I set foot on new land thousands of miles away from my home and my birthplace, I feel calm and content. No one I know or love around me, no one to distrust or dislike. Just me and the world before me.

Now, before you say to me, "Todd, what in the hell are you talking about?" I'll answer that question simply with "I have no fucking idea..." That's the fun thing about life...figuring rantings like the one above out....