Above Ground

Above Ground
by Norah Jones

Underground I'm waiting
Just below the crowded avenue
Watchin' red lights fading out of view

Oh the air feels heavy
Everything just passes by
And I think that I'm a little shy

Meet me outside above ground
I see you on your way
I'll be with you someday, someday

Drawing lines above my head
But the fan keeps spinning over me
Just my thoughts to keep me company

Now I know I'm ready
Pour the night into a glass
Can I sip it slow and make it last

Meet me outside above ground
I see you on your way
I'll be with you someday, someday

Meet me outside above ground
I see you on your way
I'll be with you someday, someday

Thoughts and Worries

I think I drank too much beer tonight. No, I'm not drunk. I just have one of those feelings inside that makes you say "ugh." After a short barbecue at a friends house and a brief stint at Kirpatrick's Pub, I decided to head over to The Old Brogue. I remember my dad telling me shortly before he died about going to The Old Brogue back in the 80's when it first opened. Those of you that know me, know that deep down, I'm a pretty somber person. It's that personality trait within me that's attracted to T.O.B. I don't know why. Haha, I find myself relating everything in my life to music. I guess the best way to describe what I go through in a dark, hole-in-the-wall place like T.O.B. is to listen to the song Above Ground by Norah Jones (I did this several times with my old journal: I'd post the lyrics to a song that had particular meaning to myself or the post/mood at hand.). Anyways, the 21st is approaching fast. 3 weeks from Monday to be exact. Boy, do I have a lot to do. Without dropping names or going into details, after tonight, I'm done trying to hang out with the people I want to hang out with before I leave. If someone wants to spend time with me, they know how to get a hold of me. My mother has gotten used to the fact that I'm leaving which is a huge relief for me. To be honest despite our rough past, that was the biggest thing that was worrying me. She has driven me up the wall ever since high school but I love her to death. It's taken me a while and the death of my father to realize that I may have the rest of my life to lead but to her, I am all that she has left. I'm not going to go too in depth with what that truly means because that's one of seldom thoughts that I want to keep private. I have a long journey ahead of me but she will definitely be in my thoughts every step of the way. All in all, my mind is a clutter of thoughts and worries and probably will be for the next couple of weeks....

Another Day

I've been slacking, I know. I've gotten my laptop back in working order so hopefully that will aid in the regularity of my posts. The week's gone by pretty quickly. Ever since last weeks events and more importantly (to me anways) the 20th, I've been thinking about my dad more and more. What one goes through when they've lost a parent or someone really close to them is something that really can't be explained it can only be felt. I'm really not sad. Not at all. I mean, I miss him terribly but I'm not depressed. I don't know. Like I said, it's hard to describe. Anyways, I can feel it getting closer and closer to the 21st (of May). Next week is my next normal week before I head to Ft Pickett and the following week when I take Hazmat Technician. Although I haven't outright said it to myself yet, I've been looking at jobs and organizations around Boise that have to do with Fire and Rescue, Search and Rescue, or EMS. I don't know if I'm ready to move away from here permanently. Someone who has actually been out west has told me that once I move out there even though it'd be only for a few months, I wouldn't want to come back. For some reason, I think he was right. It all depends on God's plan for me.

Rejuvination

Fucking A what a great week it's been...sorta. Between being partially responsible for possibly saving a stranger's life to recovering from a debilitating virus in under 24 hours, I feel I'm ready to take on the world! I'm not going to elaborate too much because I'm tired of people thinking I'm a hero so I'll move on to something else. This week, for me at least, my spirit feels rejuvenated. Compared to last week, I'm a lot less somber. My last post was something I had to get off my chest after my friend Danielle talked about a post she posted on myspace. Not that I'm defending in any way of course. No, that was posted on purpose and I'm glad I did. This week is one of rebirth for the weary soul in these troubled days (mine in particular). For those of you who have managed their way into my heart deep enough for me to discuss religion with you, you know I don't preach any religion to those unwilling or not wanting to listen. All I have to say is that it's weeks like this that make me glad I have something to fall back on when the world knocks me over. There's something for every occasion, every moment in the bible (if you know where to find it). One particular passage I've been focusing on today and for the rest of the week is Psalm 90:11-12. I'm not going to explain or describe it. I'll let you read it and see what it means to you. I'm hoping the week's going as great for you as it is for me. Take care

Death and Epiphanies

In my line of work, I find myself dealing with death on a regular basis. I've seen and experienced things most human beings should never have to. I've come across people who've been dead or damn near close to it. I've witnessed police shootings and I've seen someone part from this world by the hand of some other person. I've seen people die at an old age, I've seen people leave this world too soon. I've witnessed people take their own lives, I've come across some when it was too late to stop them. Accidents, murder, you name it, I've seen people go out in all sorts of fashions. To be honest, I've gotten used to it to the point where I'm almost desensitized to it. Every once in a while, however, death manages to hit home. This past week, I've had three run-ins with death himself: A LODD death of a firefighter in Prince William County and the Va Tech shootings (both with in less than an hour of each other) and the one-year anniversary of my father's death on the 20th. Thankfully, Friday wasn't too bad although I'm really going to try to visit my father's grave before I leave for Boise. With that out of the way, here's where the rant begins. By now, those that truly know me know I'm very liberal with my views with the world. Yes, I said the world. We may live in the US but we live on this planet with a few billion other people that don't happen to reside snugly between sea to shining sea. Anyways, one of the biggest problems that the U.S. has is it's media and how they portray national and international events (primarily national). Another problem with the U.S. (and ask anyone that's been to another country or is from another country) is the U.S. is pretty self-centered. I'm not going to say that the Tech shootings were one of the worst atrocities that's ever happened to the country in the past 100 years but they were still pretty horrible none the less. Now, I'm not going to go off too much because the only person responsible for the murders is dead. I'm not one to blame the parents or the lax of security and response at tech for what happened, I blame the person that did it. There's a lot more going on than just 33 kids dying. There are 33 families that had to bury children. Children, mind you. There are thousands of Va Tech students that have to deal with lost friends. There are several more thousands of students whose innocence was ripped away from them as fast as the lives from the students who died. I for one can relate to that. I've seen family members buried. I've seen animals die. Nothing can claim your innocence as a human being than watching another human being depart this world violently. That, however, is for another post. Now, before the killer probably even woke up for the day, a 24 year-old firefighter was fighting a fire in a home in Woodbridge when he was killed while he was looking for a person who was possibly still trapped inside. Personally, I think any firefighter that dies in the Line of Duty should receive national recognition for sacrificing his life for that of another human being. They don't call it the ultimate sacrifice for nothing.

America is the epitome of capitalistic societies. Everything, every political, private, or commercial organization, from health care to our own government, in some way, shape, or form concerns itself with the amount of money it makes. Some more than others. The American media is no different. I guarantee you that Fox 5 nor The Washington Post cares about the feelings of Tech students, their families, nor anyone else that was affected by the shootings. No, if they did, they wouldn't still be pestering those still on campus. They'd let them be and allow them to move on instead of digging up the past. If the media truly cared about the feelings for others, if they truly cared about humanity and its seldom acts of selflessness and dedication, they would've mentioned the local firefighter that gave his life so that "others may live". You can hear it in the voices of the reporters and the news anchor people. Real emotion can not be faked, it can not be created. Real emotion pours out of the soul with a force only the human heart can create. Real emotion is flawless. The next time you listen to the news, listen to the anchors and the reporters. Listen to the out of place adjectives. Listen for the fake emotion and stress on such words as "horrible" and "devastating". Watch how their faces change in an instant to reflect the mood of the story. The concept of humanity can be a powerful one if we all start learning to think and feel at a human level...not a regional level. 33 people lost their lives in one moment last Monday. 20+ people lose their lives in single events every day in Iraq. Flesh and blood, some who don't carry a single hating bone in their bodies, who all they want to do is just live life and try to be happy. There are people killed by the hundreds from acts of Genocide in Africa everyday. There are people that die by the hundreds from simple, preventable illnesses to starvation. I will not ever forget what happened in Blacksburg because to me, it does hit home. That could've been any one of a handful of friends that go to Tech. But I've experienced death before. I myself have been close to it. I read the news and hurt deep in my heart every time I read about anyone dying prematurely. For a lot of people, Americans and people throughout the rest of the world, death doesn't become a reality until it hits home for them.

My opinions piss people off. I know. I try to live a life of selflessness and wonder. I want to meet others that have never set foot on this side of the world. I want to experience everything this planet has to offer. One thing I guess I can consider an epiphany is that it's hard to experience humanity and the world which God has given us with a blind heart and an empty soul.






My thoughts and prayers are to the following:

The friends, families, and firefighters all across the world who lost a brother in the service last monday in the line of duty

The friends and families of those killed at Virginia Tech on Monday

The innocent people and their families throughout the world that have lost their lives due to acts of violence, genocide, and misplaced self-righteousness

People throughout the world who experience pain and sorrow on a day to day basis

My father. I love you and I miss you terribly. I'll see you later.

Thoughts

Today I received another job offer from Modoc National Forest in California. Ironically, I received the phone call at the same time the lease for the room I'm renting was emailed to me. I declined the offer considering I'm getting paid a little better in Boise but it's making me nervous that I need to sign this lease soon and I don't know whether or not something better is going to come along or not. I've broken the news to my mom and she's being real supportive of me but the rest of my family is not and it's really starting to make me mad. Apparently the fact that it's something I want to do isn't good enough if not down right irresponsible. I've pretty much said fuck them (not to their faces of course) and the more they let me know how much they dissapprove, the more I can't wait to leave here and laugh in their faces at my success in doing something I want to do (as crazy as that sounds). I'm starting to realize how I'm going to miss certain people. Part of me says I shouldn't miss them since a few of them I really don't trust to begin with. All I know is it's going to be fun yet, at the same time, lonely trying to meet new people in Boise. I'm hoping race won't be an issue. Anyways, I'll talk to you all later.

Another Friday Night

Well, another friday night spent in front of the computer. To be honest, I'm actually pretty glad (and fairly not suprised) that no one called me tonight. I don't know. It's actually nights like this that remind me as to how little it will change the lives of those around me (with the exception of my mother) when I leave. At least I can leave without breaking someone's heart because my oh so fabulous self won't be gracing their presence for the next 5 months. Whatever. I have a feeling I'm going to like it out west and stay out there and not too many people are going to fuss about it....

Appreciation vs. Self-Consciousness

It most certainly is a never-ending journey. Life that is. Every turn bringing forth a new experience. A new love, a new hate. A brand new friend. A formidable advisory. With every passing day, you learn more and more about yourself and this crazy thing called life. Over the past few years, I've learned a lot. About myself, about other humans, about my planet, about life in general. As I prepare to leave D.C. and live on my own, embark on a new journey all together, I find myself more aware of the world around me than ever, constantly searching for new ways to explore the world that God has given us. I'm learning to ignore everything around me to concentrate on the things in our world we pass on an everyday basis. Annie Dillard wrote,

"Consciousness itself does not hinder living in the present. In fact, it is only to a heightened awareness that the great door to the present opens at all. Even a certain amount of interior verbalization is helpful to enforce the memory of whatever it is that is taking place...

...Self-consciousness, however, does hinder the experience of the present. It is the one instrument that unplugs all the rest. So long as I lose myself in a tree, say, I can scent its leafy breath or estimate its board feet of lumber, I can draw its fruits or boil tea on its branches, and the tree stays tree. But the second I become aware of myself at any of these activities-looking over my shoulder, as it were-the tree vanishes, uprooted from the spot and flung out of sight as if it had never grown. And time, which had flowed down into the tree bearing new revelations like floating leaves at every moment, ceases. It dams, stills, stagnates."

Self-consciousness, as Dillard puts it, plagues us all. It's if we were listening to a story of sorrow where Appreciation, being the protagonist, is constantly oppressed and beaten down by our own self-consciousness. It has taken me a while to acknowledge my appreciation (appreciation for life and land) as well as allow it's weary bones to rest and recuperate. As time has progressed, as my relationship with Christ grew, as I experienced the majesty that our planet, our history as a people, has to offer, my appreciation for everything life has to show us has risen and grown far stronger than my own self-consciousness will ever be. It's epiphanies like this that make me thank God for being alive and able to experience this world every day.

Preparations

Finally the wheels of future aspects and opportunity are starting to spin. The foreman for the contract crew I applied to (Red Truck Wildfire, LLC) and I have been talking back and forth about how long it would take for me to get there (Boise) and when I'd be able to leave. My tax return(s) should be coming soon so I'll be able to buy a few things I need and save up some money for the trip out there and perhaps a security deposit for an apartment or house. As usual, since the word of my tentative offer of employment I started doing my research on Boise. I've found places to climb and backpack around southwester Idaho as well as South and Mid-Eastern Oregon (I'm less than an hour from the border). I'm thinking about buying a cheap kayak or canoe (or both depending on how cheap I can go). With that being said, there are more rivers near Boise than you can shake a stick at. I've found a few volunteer fire departments around the city of Boise and it's county, Ada County, and I have talked to their chiefs. So far, they're more than excited to have me run even if it is just for the summer. I've made a to do list and shopping list and sadly it's been growing exponentially every day since I first started it. All and all, it's pretty exciting. There are a few people I'm going to miss for the few months I'm gone. For the most part though, I really don't think many are going to care either way which makes it easier to leave. Anyways, take care all of you.

Best Friends and the Days to Come

It's usually not obvious (more to me than any one else) but I can say that I have a lot of friends. As far as my best friends are concerned, I can probably name at least 3 people I can consider close enough friends to be my best friends: Jon Howlette, Adam Le Gros, and Sterling Montague. There's probably one or two more that aren't on that list but to be honest, I don't trust that many people enough to the point where they'd carry that title. Now, those of you that know me well enough know that most of the time, I really don't care about what other people say or think about me. These cats, however, really have an influence over me. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the fact that I've known these guys since elementary school. Maybe it's because we've seen ourselves through moments that have etched themselves in our childhood memories never to be forgotten. All I know, if one of those three looked down on something I said or did, I'd actually feel bad. Shocking, yes I know. To be honest, I'm too lazy to type what happened. I'll leave it at I said something quasi-jokingly, one of the three took it serious, and now I'm truly looking at myself through his eyes to see if I need to change something about myself. My life is full of paradoxes like that.
Out of 80 something applications, I've received my first tentative offer of employment for a contract Engine Crew out of Boise, ID (3 Type IV and 2 Type VI engines for those of you that care). They have contracts with the Bureau of Land Management (which owns like 75% of the rockies) so hopefully I'll be able to get a lot of experience from them....that is if I choose them for whom to work. Like I said, this is just the first company to get back to me. Hopefully come May, I'll have a few more options. But until then, It's looking like Boise. Less than 3 days before I received that message, the firefighter position in Mcmurdo, Antarctica opened up again for the 2007-2008 season. Obviously, I applied. Looking at my resume now compared to when I applied for the first time in November, I've managed to accomplish a lot. Hopefully, I'll have a fighting chance in hell at getting the position. One thing I never really anticipated was breaking all of this to my mom. I'm not looking forward to the day I set out to drive to Boise....

Rants and Rambles

Sunday night, I started working for the first time, by myself at Loudoun-Fairfax. One thing's for sure is 12 hours is a long fucking time when you have 20 minutes of work you truly have to do. Over the years though, I've learned to value my free time because sometimes it's the only free time you get. To be honest, after that night, I fell in love with the night shift. I actually did my homework. As a matter of fact, I was so ecstatic about doing my homework, I did my homework for the next 3 weeks! I made a shopping list of things I need/want (more of the want) before my next backpacking trip. I was looking at Canoes to buy, surfboards, I read 3 magazines, I had a blast! It sucks, however, when you walk into your house a 7:30 in the morning and sleep until 2. Waste of a fucking day I'll tell you. After my weekend trip, I started looking at other places to go backpacking around here and I was hoping to try to pull another trip off next Tuesday/Wednesday. I'm now hooked on solo backpacking trips. Walking at your own pace, no one but you, your thoughts, and God, the satisfaction of living on your own in the woods. It's Great! Anyways, nothing new in my life has happened since Sunday so I'll spare you empty rants and rambles. Take care and be safe.

The Start of a New Mecca

Over the years, Christianity has taught me many things. One of those being the importance of personal reflection for a troubled soul: an open conversation between you and God. I couldn't think of a better place to spend the weekend than in an area that reflected his majesty the greatest. I spent my trip to Shenandoah National Park thinking about a lot of things. One of those being how badly I need to get in shape for the summer. Even though I only managed to squeeze out 3 miles out of yesterday afternoon/evening, I was still pretty wore out after toting 40 lbs up a talus-covered 50-60% grade (Any trail that has the words "Devil's" and "Staircase" in them usually is anything but easy). However, if there's one thing about backpacking I love, it would be the emotions and the heightened sensations you start to experience. Nestled in a fold of a mountain side, devoid of any of the urban sounds that cloud our aural world on a daily basis, I retreat to a world with a more somber tone: a barren landscape whose land tells the story of a harsh winter and a scorching fire season. The few opportunities I had to gaze pass this surreal world into the valley, I managed to steal a glimpse of the canyon and valley below me. Now, I've always said I would like to travel the world over and work wherever I could, but if I choose one place to retire to and live it would definitely be in the Shenandoah Valley. The views I'm exposed to as hike are the main reasons why. As I hike, I find myself doing a lot of things in my mind. I find myself first thanking and praising God for the land he created for us; for the Appalachian and everything painted on them. I found myself thinking about other places to travel to backpack. I thought about working out west, I thought about Thru-hiking the AT, I thought about my father, I thought about wildland firefighting, I even thought about Antarctica. One thing that never crossed my mind was anything may have been plaguing my consciense before I left for the hills. Now, anyone that has been backpacking, and I'm mean truly backpacking...5 or 10 miles or more, can tell you how much of a retreat it is from normal everyday life. When I finally set up camp and as night fell, I started to relax more and really got to pondering as to what I want to do with my life. After dinner, I crawled into my tent, wrote in another journal I have, read part of the book I'm reading (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Anne Dillard) and the shut my eyes only to wake up in the morning, slightly stuffed up but otherwise refresehd, to hike the 7 odd miles back to my car. Now, I haven't done a hike like this (by myself) in years. Well before my dad died, well before I had any direction as to what I wanted to do in my life, and well before my current relationship with God. Maybe I started a new personal trend, maybe I started my own mecca. One thing's for sure is that I walked out of those woods with more than the gear on my back.