Depressed - Back in Cedar City

I arrived back into Cedar City at around 2200 hrs this evening only to become overwhelmed with guilt and depression. The past 10 days in SLC have been hard but fun. Hearing word of the S-61 that crashed in California on the fire my crew was on hit me pretty hard. I've kept it in the back of my mind since I first heard of the news last week. Now that I'm home, it's hit me harder than ever. I feel guilty for leaving my crew right before they had to endure such a horrible event. While I was away from California where they had been stuck for 2 weeks they were having to deal with one of the most devastating fire aviation accidents in several decades. I heartfully feel for my boss, Michael Reid. He was the first person on the scene of the crash and he had to deal with the coordination of aircraft be used for fire suppression of the crashed S-61 and medivacs. He's going through a really hard time right now and I pray for him and my crew everyday. A lot has happened since I left. All 5 of my roommates have moved out leaving me in the house alone (which is actually a good thing). My crew had to attend a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing to deal with the crash. Like I said, I feel guilty and horribly depressed for not being their to support my crew, my brothers and sisters, in their time of woe and need. I feel like I left them, bailed on them, abandoned them. What I feel bad about the most is the fact that I left to learn how to fight aircraft fires and how to rescue victims of aviation accidents only to not be there for my crew when they needed me to help them deal with the lost of a fiery crash with 9 dead. All I know is that I have 4-5 weeks left in the season and I can't wait for it to be over....